moments

May 8—we were about to watch my sister and her band perform. It was Sunday. She wanted mom to see her perform on their so-called gigs. She introduced him to me. He looked familiar. I wanted to start a conversation with him; that way, I just might confirm if it was the “him” I knew. He looked very familiar. He was quiet and a bit snobbish; mysterious in his own way, and he was not quite of a gentleman (he did not offer me a seat). I was observing him at a close range. I had an opportunity to laugh with him when I teased him as he stares over some lady whom he refer to be “daring”. It was quite a laugh. Luckily, I did not know how it started, we found ourselves conversing. I asked him questions and he answered eagerly. He told me his name and I knew it was him. I just did not have the heart to ask. I was amazed because the conversation went smoothly and the topics were interesting. It was quite a long night, and we continued chatting on the way home.

Days passed and thanks to facebook, we interacted again. It was a “serious” chat and we exchanged numbers. I don’t remember exchanging messages though but we communicated.

On a weekend, we went to see a movie—THOR. The script was great and we had a good laugh. I feel happy whenever he’s around. We had dinner and it was quite a night. He’s a busy person. His schedule is filled with trips. I wanted to spend time with him again and he felt the same.

On a Friday night, he took me out for a dinner and we talked about random things. I don’t know how or why but when I am with him, I am happy and stress leaves my system. He told me his plans--he wanted to be free from commitments. I smiled because I had the same principle. It's not like we don't want to have partners, it's more like we don't want to feel leashed by rules. He went on talking bout his dreams and I am hypnotized by his very presence. Just being with him made me feel safe and comforted.

Here's a confession:

He's my high school crush. He had his unique style back then and it interest me. He played the guitars so well and he looked smart. See, for him, I was a stranger. I am but a kid. I watch him pass by the hallways and laugh with his friends. I see him flirt with ladies and make a dork out of himself. I did not stalk on him, I just happen to be where he is.

I never imagined meeting him in person...I mean, getting to be with him. He loves pretty ladies and I know I cannot make it in the cut. Someday, I fear, I might be a stranger for him once again. That's why I cherish every moment we spend together. If he leaves, I have memories to keep and moments to cherish...

I wanted to tell him really...but I guess I should keep it to myself. He's in a relationship and he's happy--I guess.

Maybe I should be thankful that I get to spend some time with him though it's a struggle... I like him a lot. Being with him takes me back to HS days. That smile... addictive. Those lips... I am missing him...badly.

I don't wan't to get hurt...not again. I wish I could stop my emotions but I can't. They draw me closer to him.



**random thoughts fill my mind... I go crazy... I am fine...sorry***

distance

Mom spent her one month vacation leave with us—April 30. We were so excited to be with her again; especially me. I had a major argument with her and it caused scars in our hearts. At the airport, we waited for her to exit the gate. And there she was in her pink leggings and a checkered polo, along with her luggage, flashing us her smile—Mama’s home. We couldn’t stop talking eagerly wanting to tell her our stories. Altogether with my siblings, we competed for attention and Mama knew just how to divide hers. J We took a ride and went over my Mae’s house (a friend of my sister’s); why? Oh because…  Anyway, we searched for a place where she could stay and found a little room near town. I had work then, so she spends a lot of time with my siblings and I make the most out of what I can at night. I miss her.

She kept on asking for plans… I cannot give my full-attention to it because of work. I only get to be with her on weekends. Our first trip was an island trip—Sta. Cruz Island. It took us a 15min boat ride to get there. The waves were huge and the boat was small. J Mama was never a fanatic for beaches but Sta. Cruz, as she told, was an exception. She enjoyed much collecting pink sands and swimming in the clear water. It was fun.

***words aren’t coming as I stare on the screen… memories fill my thoughts***

I wish I could be with my mom all the time. I wish she’d stay permanently with us. I wish she doesn’t have to leave. Though I can easily open up with my dad, a mother’s advice is incomparable.

I remember spending an afternoon with my mom on the beach park. We went there to release negative auras. Earlier that day, we had our stress level at its maximum level due to some ignorant fool’s complaint. It was such a waste of time. Anyway, we took pictures wacky pictures and fooled around the golf course area. We waited for the sunset and talked about childhood memories. We laughed a lot. That night, we went to watch my sister and her band mates audition for a gig on some bar.

We also had family dinner on random nights. We were never complete and it made my mom sad. We spent random nights on singing and bowling. Weekend afternoons were for shopping and lunch-outs. I spent my weekdays at work. At times, I request that mom would pick me up in the office just as she did during my schooldays. I also asked that we take lunch together.  That way, I get to be with her even for a few minutes. 

They were stolen chances.

Few days before she leaves, we went to a resort. My heart aches as I think about time. Days are counted. I tried to be strong for my siblings; I wish they will not cry. I talk and smile a lot to hide my emotions and took pictures of us together. I wanted to beg her to stay but I know she will still choose to leave. It was agonizing—holding back the tears. I joke around asking for a boyfriend to arrive just so I can find comfort… hahaha… Mama would always remind us that it won’t take long for us to meet again.

As she leaves the next day, I kept my siblings tight telling them not to cry so that my mom would have a safe trip. We gave mama tight hugs and kissed her a lot—that was all we could give for her to take as memories. I can see that my little brother wants to cry but I told him to be strong. He was strong. Of course, I had to let it out at some point. I cannot find comfort elsewhere so I curled up in bed that night, prayed, and cried. I woke up with eyes tired from crying; went to work as my heart continued weeping.

I miss my mom a lot and I love her. I wish we can be together. I want her with us. L