breaking silence

It has been more than a week now since the breakup and a lot of concerned friends ask "What happened?" I replied to only a few just for the sake of letting them hear a bit of my side of the story.

Last December, I went to his city because I miss being with him. I saved a part of my Christmas Bonus for fare and lodging. I really wanted to see him. He works at a call center company and he was on night duty during my stay. Since, he had to sleep in the morning, we had the whole afternoon to spend time. I only had three days to be with him. The first few days were spent window shopping and food tripping. Then, on my last night, he slept earlier than I did. I had the instinct to check on his FB account ( I know it was invasion of privacy but I just have to...) I read something and all I can do was to cry my heart out. He woke up asking what happened and I gave him the iPod showing the messages he sent to a certain co-worker. I told him to call the relationship off... I cannot believe he was cheating on me. I can still feel the pain... and I hate it.

We did not end the relationship...he begged for a second chance...

I bought him a ticket because he said he wanted to be home and meet his family. It was the best Christmas gift I could think of. He went home on a Saturday and had his trip back the day after. Upon arriving Davao, he told me that he's going to be a bit busy because he had to do laundry and other stuffs. I told him to get enough rest. Three days after, I saw a picture of him (at work) with a woman.... it broke my heart. To make it worse, it was with the co-worker as mentioned earlier. The comments were really slutty in a way and it really made me angry. I reviewed the woman's profile and found out an even more interesting picture... she was wearing a brassiere and shorts (since it didn't look like a nice pair of bikini) and his arms were wrapped around her waist. F*CK was all I could say. The photo was taken on the day of his arrival in Davao... it was at the time when he told me that he was busy doing laundry and went to sleep unknowingly. 

The boat is sinking... photos kept on appearing on his page and my heart is torn into bits of pieces. 

He told me I was overacting... he told me to be matured and just trust that he loves just me... how can I? 

I had a cold Christmas with him and I welcomed his new year with a breakup. I cannot take the bullshits anymore, the woman was really provoking and I hate the way he handled the situation. I broke up with him. 

He hated it... and so, we tried to patch things up...and the breakup did not last for long... we were back... 

In short, the relationship was on and off.

January 16. Death. I lost my a very good friend... he was more of a family to me. He met an accident, ended up brain-dead, died of cardiac arrest. I stayed with him until he was cold... I can never forget that day... I miss him every day... his death brought us all back together... I was lost and I felt alone... I lost Ryan. 

I told my boyfriend about the accident and even about Ryan's death... I was really hoping he would be there to give me strength and make me feel "OK". I did not go to work, I was online updating my bestfriend and Ryan's relatives in Cebu... I was busy watching over Ryan and asking the Lord for a miracle... and I suddenly saw his name pop in my Inbox. the message reads "you don't love me anymore...and if you do, you don't love me like you did before..."  ARE YOU SERIOUS??? I was at the hospital crying my heart out because my friend is dying and this is what I get from my boyfriend???

o_O

The whole week I tried to cheer him up and take away the doubts he felt inside... But the sadness of losing Ryan is getting stronger and I needed friends and loved ones around me. I need happiness and all he gave me was stress... I admit, I did not give enough time for him, however, i can clearly justify that I needed my personal space at that time. Well, the night before Ryan's burial, I went out for a fun night. We had this crazy thought that if we get drunk, maybe, we won't cause too much drama on the final day. And so we did. I had a deal with my man that I will update him of my whatevers... and I failed him... because I wanted to have fun... because I wanted my own time.. because I want to. 

The next day, he told me that we are done. 

I explained why I did not update him... my battery was empty...and I said sorry for not doing my part of the deal...I said sorry for not giving him enough time and attention. He called me a worthless woman... It was sad... really sad. The words he used were really not that nice...and all I can think of was December. 

I know it is never right to compare flaws... but, do I not deserve forgiveness? Is it too hard to forgive someone who admittedly says sorry for her mistakes? 

December. He cheated on me not just once... and I had the heart to forgive him... I forgot to balance my time and attention; I did not know how to deal with death... I was hoping he would understand... but he did not...he cannot... 

It hurts a lot whenever I read his posts telling people that I did not care for our relationship... If only I could tell him "look who's talking?"  I wonder if he forgot about December... 

I don't know if I am making my side a bit clear here... but to sum it all up, I was wrong to not give him enough attention and time...and for breaking the deal... but it was never my intention to take for granted what we had... I wanted him back... but he doesn't want me...

He cheated on me... he lied... not just once... and I lost my sense of time because of death...

Let me know if I do not deserve that chance... let me know.