tears run dry

You know what makes me happy?

Him.

For the past few weeks, I had spent many nights with him. We had wonderful talks and shared blissful memories doing things spontaneously. We cooked, watched movies, bought a dart kit for fun, and lots more. He shared his stories and I did so too. For the time being, we were caught up in our own world; not minding what others would think or say.

Came one day, he asked that I wake him up early morning only to find out that his mom was brought to the hospital. Hurriedly, we decided that he’d watch his mom and I go to work. We spent the night in his home together with his sister telling ghost stories and eating on a fast food diet.  It was fun and I felt like I belong in his world now; at least for that moment.

Suddenly, I felt like I must be on guard. Everything seemed to be perfect—at some point, I know I would experience the opposite. Good things come in twos; bad things? Well, in threes.

Last night, after watching a great movie, “Shutter Island”, he went to the bathroom and I snooped on his mobile inbox. There it was, her name; it meant princess (in her religion). I browsed over and my heart pounded as I read the messages.

Babe…lunch…mwah…sorry…I miss you…schedule…honey…see you…I hope…take care…

I felt pain. Agony. And my heart cried adamantly.

I laid down. He came out.

“What’s wrong?” he asked. “Nothing.” I replied.

I wish I could tell him what’s really going on in my mind. If only he knew how painful it is seeing his messages for her, the likes on her wall posts, their name calling, frequently communicating, and the like. I wish he knew how I struggle to fit in; feeling like I am but an option to his countless choices. Why can’t he just appreciate me? Why? Yet “nothing” was all that I could say. The worst part is, I knew somehow that I would reach this point; I was just not ready for that blow.

I cried.

He begged that I tell him what happened so that we could fix things up. I didn’t know what to do; I didn’t know what’s WRONG; with me. I cried. I wanted to get drunk right there and then but the bottle of vodka seemed to be on his side. I cried my heart out and I begged for him to tell me what he sees in “them” and cannot seem to find in “me”. He said he was sorry and asked me a question:

“Now that you know what I can do to you… now that you know who or what I really am…do you love me still?”

Tears kept on filling my eyes as I feel pain clutching my chest as though It wants me dead.

“I love you.”

Those words came out almost instantly. I didn’t know what else to say but the truth.

I love him. Despite the flaws and the competitions going on, I loved him. I cannot see myself not loving him. I apologized for feeling hurt because I know I am in no position to feel that way; I do not own him. He was never mine. I apologized for reading the messages because I invaded his privacy.

He promised that he will stop communicating with her and everyone else. I do not believe him but I appreciated the thought. I will only believe in his words if he’d gave me his all—his love. Til that day comes, I choose to love him unconditionally; not knowing how… or why… or until when. But I will love him because I love. Only him.

I know this seem to be foolish. But only those who truly love could understand.