betrayal

I am a mess. My heart is a traitor.

Have you ever felt betrayed by your own self? I tell you, it’s not a good feeling. All I wanted was to love and be loved. I am not that hard to please. I blame myself for the pain I am feeling right now.

1.)    I knew you were owned by her yet I played your game. It was never my intention to ruin a relationship; neither do I intend to fall deeply. Then again, I let my guard down and here I am now…acting desperately...shit.

2.)    I was completely aware that every moment, spent with you, is equivalent to an excruciating pain if ever you leave. I know that I could not handle such torment yet I went on.

3.)    I promised myself that I won’t end up being treated like a fool; not by you. I don’t want to be in her shoes. But I stayed; stepped in voluntarily into your trap.

4.)    I believed you; every word you said… every story told by you.

5.)    I allowed myself to be just an option… I knew they exist but I was okay with it.

6.)    You penetrated my system; you made me cry.

7.)    I gave you the permission to lie; because I believed that what you say is true…

8.)    I made you stay; I didn’t want to let go.

9.)    I am staying; I just can’t let go.

10.)  I still love you; I guess I never stopped doing so.

These are all but random thoughts in my mind. I knew it would end up this way… I was betrayed by my own self. I betrayed ME. I really am not asking much from you. It’s just that, I am afraid to go through this alone. Though your words say “I am here”… it’s just not enough… I can’t feel you. But I can feel this anguish…inside…it’s killing me…