been so long

It's been quite a while since i last blogged. I usually tell my blog buddy that I don't have something to blog about. I held on to that thought so as to have reasons for not blogging; but honestly, I was just trying to hide my emotions.

Yesterday changed it all; I had to go on blogging.

I went to see him; hoping I could see him and get some answers--why did you leave me just like that?

It was 7pm when I reached the camp; I received a text message telling me that he's no longer there. I was told that he had gone back and that he looked very sickly and his weight had gone down. I was walking my way towards the hospital though I knew that he's no longer there. I just had to go and seek for him. It was dark and the journey seemed unending. it took me almost an hour to reach the place; I asked for him and was instructed to try my luck on the other Wards. Sadly, the nurse told me that no record was found for such name.

My emotions got mixed up perfectly and I found myself walking towards the place where he first asked for my sweet "Yes." I saw a figure; I wished it was him. I remembered the night Jan 4; it was at that place... My heart burst out in tears; I couldn't explain what I really feel inside and so I wept. It was painful; agonizing if I may say so. I thought of him; his face, his smile, how he begged for me that night., how he held me tight, doing all those silly stuffs for my sake, stolen moments; laughters, promises... It brought me grief.

All I ever wanted was to see him and talk to him. Is he that selfish that he needed to deprive me of his presence?

I cried as I walked my way out of the camp. Then, I passed by a familiar place. There were men talking in a cottage, I approached and asked for him. They asked for my name and my relation with him; I told them I have a favor to ask from him. I gave them his name and his company; they pointed me to another direction. I was trembling; not knowing what to do...There was this man who looked like a senior officer, and I interrupted his phone call conversation. Upon hearing his name, he told me that  the man I'm looking returned to his company already. I gave out a fake smile and said "ok. thank you."

I felt my heart shatter into pieces. I was told that he was actually here over the weekend and the next day, he was brought back to their battalion. I remembered well, he called me up; it was  on a Saturday. He told me a lie.

As I find myself walking towards the gate, I feel even more depressed; I will never have another chance to see him again. Never again. And so I wept. I cried. I cried.

I am badly broken. I can't seem to forget.