con.fusion

I have been loving someone from a distance; it's been fine since I started doing so, but it was never easy. I am one with myself, I make it sure that I consult with the inner me before making decisions. 

He makes me happy, though distance comes between us, I am happy. 

He is liking someone, a dead star. I see him waiting for that star to shine again; though he denies it, not wanting for me to worry about the dead star. I am not worried about the star, I just want to know why he still hopes for a dead star to shed light once more. 

One night, I was talking to that star; "You give my friend hope...that you'd still shine. Why do you keep him from waiting...in vain?" . Then, amazingly, the star spoke to me saying "I never asked him to wait... I never told him that I'd shine again...But whenever he stares at me, it is not I who gives him hope...it is him who makes me hope that I can once again shine... I want to shine, for him... then again, I can't..." 

"Why?"

"Because he might ask me to shine forever...and I can't do that...I'm a dead star."

"But you do try to shine for him? you will shine for him? will you please shine for him.."

"I tried...I am trying...why are you asking me this favor?"

"Because I want to see him happy..."

"Well, you know for a fact that if I would shine, you might lose him... don't you?"

"Yeah, I am perfectly aware...Yet I want to know what happens next. Please."

On a cold night, He went to his spot to watch his dead star... expecting for the night to be the same as always, he still hoped that it would shine. Then, in his surprise, the star turned bright. He was happy...more than happy...He never took his eyes off the star. He was bursting with gladness. But the star's light slowly faded; until it was dead--again.

The next day, I told him about my conversation with his star.

"What if the star would shine again?" I asked, not knowing that it already did

"What if it did shine again?" he asked as he continued

"It was bright again, as though it wanted me to see it shine once again..."

My feelings gushed at random.

"So, what now?" I asked as I push back my emotions

"I don't know, I should be happy right? then again, it was bright only for a moment; the light faded..."

"So, now that you know that it can still shine, will you stand here again and wait--again?"

"I don't know... maybe... i love that star... you know that right?"

"I know."

That evening, I looked at the star with confusion.

"Why are you looking at me that way?"

"You said you're a dead star...why did you shine?"

"Well, when we had that conversation, you told me that you want to see him happy...

it made me realize that I would also want to make him happy...so.."

"You think he's happy now?" I asked rudely

"What are you angry about?" it replied

"I did warn you that you might lose him right?" the star continued

"Why did you do that? you knew I loved him"

"I loved him too." it said "... I faded though."

"Do you think by fading he'd stop liking you?" I asked in an angry tone

"You are giving him false hopes...now, he's gonna look forward to that light of yours again...."

"I can't shine again... I just want him to know that I appreciate his longing for me..."

"He still longs for you..."

"And it pains you,right?"

"I don't know" I replied in denial

Morning came. My mind is clouded by thoughts--random. 

"You're not yourself...why?" he asked.

"How's that star of yours?"

"Huh? she's fine... I guess... why?" said he

"Nothing." I answered

"I've been thinking, maybe it didn't shine for me...I mean, I think that light was for someone special... not for me... maybe she wants me to see her shine--for someone... i don't know.."

"I never thought about that..." I said to myself.

"Do you like her still? I mean that star of yours..." I asked sheepishly.

"Yes. I like her still. It is never easy to forget about her... especially since it showed me that light again... then again, that's the closest I can get..."

I was furious inside. I hated his reply. I hated that star. I regret urging that thing to shine again. Then again, my inner me reminded me of my intention--I wanted to see him happy.

So in silence, I kept the pain, disappointments, anger, and fear  to myself. 

"Don't worry about the star... it's just a star... trust me." These words he said to me. As for the star, I never talked to it again. 

Knowing that he still likes her is plain torture. Yet I cannot let my feelings show. I just can't. 

So in silence I will remain... At a distance I shall stay... From afar, I shall watch him...gaze up into the heavens... once again, looking at that star... while I secretly pray, that the star will shine no more... 

Aghast.