heart.speaks

it's been a while since i listened to my heart speak; a long time wherein i chose not to listen. i loved and was loved. i still am loving and will continue to do so. however, i refuse to love the way i did before--passionate, pure, and lasting; only because i felt the need to protect myself from pain and its acquaintance. see, i have longed for love. i watched people i love enter a relationship with those whom they call  better half-and often ask myself- where's mine? well, perhaps i cant be labelled as someone "better" for anyone at all. and so, i continue to struggle and seek. i have found a relationship that's unique in a way (only because i get to pretend that i am like this and that)... and so i was loved for being someone whom he thought i was... or rather someone i chose to be. it went quite well yet i longed for more. i wanted to feel that i can be loved by someone even if im imperfect. to be loved when i wanted to nag about petty things. to feel special whenever my thoughts go random and i just want to talk about it. to go where i want to go and be where i want to be. to see me as me and not someone who'd turn me into a stranger to others and to myself as well. i later realized, that i am not liking this a bit. i felt leashed; i told him i felt leashed and he told me i deserve it all because i chose to remain silent and mad. i hated the conversation and refused to talk "actively" and he scourged me verbally. i told him im not okay and he forced me to talk. messages came in... painful ones... humiliating... degrading... hurtful words... it tore me from the inside... i wanted to cry. but then again, i cant. i felt nothing but hatred. and then he says he's sorry and expects me to gush and be happy again. you cant buy love. you can never demand someone to love you back the way you want it to be. i refuse to open up because i know you will never listen. how can you point out all the mistakes ive made at the time when i needed you to understand what i feel? how can you call me names when all i did was to hide my feelings from myself and feel the torment all alone? how can you perfectly put words on my mouth and then get angry only coz i said it's-not-what-you-think-it-is...? how could you? despite all ive been through... you say you dont trust me? then why bother? why bother at all? i never demanded you to trust me... because i never trusted anyone. not even myself. i say i love you... but i just say it. i dunno what to feel whenever i say it... i cant mean it... not like this... 

 i dunno what's gotten into me. i longed for you...yet right now... it feels as if... i dunno what i want anymore... i know what i feel... yet i dunno if what i feel are indeed what fills me...i need to bring back the ME in ME... the I in I am... the MY in myself...