imma listen to my thoughts.
i really am not all right nowadays. family's not great. and thanks to Kat Acuña, i am once again reminded that i am an escapist. i escape! i usually refer myself as an extrovert... yet when it comes to my REAL emotions, i am not. right now, my thoughts go loco.
actually, i dont want to write. yet my thoughts seem to play and so i cant sleep. so i guess imma spill a bit of what's happening right now...
first, i am procrastinating over my so-called plans... im searching.
next, i am worried of my dad's health... of course, having hypertension on adults his age is quite normal...yet it is still something i fear... although he says he's fine, i still worry for him...
also, my mom and i arent in good terms for quite sometime now... my actions are based on my emotions..and yeah, i gave her pain and humiliation. im no good daughter...for her though...and i dont know why i am one... maybe because i hate her... not her total being... i hate it because i dont see that mother in her... not anymore... it makes me think of the definition of a mother... i used to love her though... yet that damage caused... what i caused her... what she caused me.... it aint good... yet i pray for healing. for peace. i know i may never attain such peace unless i admit my faults and flaws... i am guilty... but im not sorry... i dunno... maybe that pain is much much stronger than all the emotions i have for her...or maybe, my pride ate all of me...
my siblings... we are playing a difficult script in life... we may be okay... we dont quarrel.. yet i know we have our own issues with each other..we dont talk much.. i hate what i read..and i hate it when she spills everything to strangers.. i hate her for that... but i will let it pass... then again, i choose to stay like this.... not a care... that's why i have my friends with me...and my cousin, mark.
my faith, is pretty much intact... i love my Savior... i know he sees everything...
my heart, is happy. God has blessed me wonderfully. i am happy that im with him and im pretty sure he is with me... although it's quite odd, i still trust that we can get through. i tend to become jealous over almost everything. my self-esteem aint kicking high.. i know i hurt him everytime i portray doubts. i cant help it... but im sure he will help me get rid of them doubts... i sure hope so.... i love him. more than ever... i fear that with the attitude i have, he might leave... i dont want that to happen... yet he asks that i be myself... i hope i could be... i hope he'd be patient... i know he tries to be... and i will do the same for him...
im happy that my family is happy for me... coz i can share bliss with others again...and i thank them for being happy..
well, they say that i shouldnt expect much... and that i shouldnt attach myself...
i ask why? i am not expecting anything... people who say that line are uh...dummies.... "dont expect"... it's escaping disappointments... if you love someone dearly... you should be aware that the one you love is (of course) expecting a lil bit more from you.... and you are too (admit it)..you expect him/her to understand... to listen... to be like this when you are like that... you expect.... that's why you became couples... to be there for each other... of course it's not always you who should understand... sometimes you need to be understood... and you expect that from him/her.... so when you love... you expect...and you should be prepared for disappointments... you cannot escape it.
dont attach yourself too much... define attach??? when i enter a relationship, i dont feel attached... rather, i feel responsible for the other.. he becomes my responsibility.... at least part of my many ... i am now parting another part of "me"... as a citizen,neighbor,professional,sister,daughter, and now..as a partner... it's no attachment... if you tend to see your partner as an attachment, you tend to feel burdened... and that's where problems enter... i hope he sees himself responsible for having me around... coz i try my best to be responsible... especially for us both...
i dunno what im writing here now....
i sure hope you get me...
i guess that's all...
hmmm, so i share the song i kept on playing while im doing this note... here goes...
So I watch you like a movie
I'll sing you like a song
Read you like a story
If it takes me all night long
Keep you like a secret
I'll tell you like a joke
It's true, It's true
That I'll love you like I always do.
(love you like i always do)
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