WORTH.THY

My emotions put words to my blogs. It's been some months now since I broke my silence from within. I still write about him.


It was only the other night when I cried myself to sleep--the reason was no other but sin
.
I was and still am jealous.

"She's just a friend"  he says.

It was just by accident or fate when I came across their pictures. They were together that night sharing smiles and a so-called "never"... He went home drunk then and I was trembling in anger. I went over his messages and surely hers were there. She was telling him things that are of no help. I am sure she's in a relationship but why would she feed his mind with the thought of him not finding the right one--yet.

I cried. I texted her and expressed my honest opinion about her existence. I don't hate her... I just hate what she is doing.

Came morning, my eyes were swollen. I could not help but hate what had happened. I was really literally hoping that time would stop because I just can't go on. I attended the morning mass with his mom; and my tears fell as I tell her what happened that night. She said that I should not pay attention and that all he said were not true--he's just drunk.

A lot of things played in my mind. The words he spoke...those words... they burn.

He asked that I leave him because he is never worthy of my love...my goodness. "I'm an a**hole"--this he said over and over again.

Worth. How do we measure worth? Worth...is it not what we give to those we love?

If someone loves you, you are then worthy of that love...so take good care of it.

Why can he not see that I give him love because he deserves it?

As much as possible, I would want to give him all that he desires; if that's how he measures love then so be it. I would like him to feel the most wonderful thing in the world while I live... while I still live.

"Why do you love me this much?", he would ask.

~"Because with you, by loving you, I feel love. and loved."  my heart whispers.

When in Rome

When in Rome, do as Romans do.

More often than not, we find ourselves “adjusting” to a culture we seem to not understand--it could be at work, school, seminars, gatherings and the like. The most obvious reason as to why we try to adapt is to build a good relationship. We try to please people and promote peace and harmony—we adjust ourselves to each other’s likings. However, it seems like the “adjustments” we do lead to “pretention”.

Are you really adapting or are you pretending? Hmmm, let’s do some serious thinking.

In life, we face challenges that test our ability to handle critics.

tears run dry

You know what makes me happy?

Him.

For the past few weeks, I had spent many nights with him. We had wonderful talks and shared blissful memories doing things spontaneously. We cooked, watched movies, bought a dart kit for fun, and lots more. He shared his stories and I did so too. For the time being, we were caught up in our own world; not minding what others would think or say.

Came one day, he asked that I wake him up early morning only to find out that his mom was brought to the hospital. Hurriedly, we decided that he’d watch his mom and I go to work. We spent the night in his home together with his sister telling ghost stories and eating on a fast food diet.  It was fun and I felt like I belong in his world now; at least for that moment.

Suddenly, I felt like I must be on guard. Everything seemed to be perfect—at some point, I know I would experience the opposite. Good things come in twos; bad things? Well, in threes.

Last night, after watching a great movie, “Shutter Island”, he went to the bathroom and I snooped on his mobile inbox. There it was, her name; it meant princess (in her religion). I browsed over and my heart pounded as I read the messages.

Babe…lunch…mwah…sorry…I miss you…schedule…honey…see you…I hope…take care…

I felt pain. Agony. And my heart cried adamantly.

I laid down. He came out.

“What’s wrong?” he asked. “Nothing.” I replied.

I wish I could tell him what’s really going on in my mind. If only he knew how painful it is seeing his messages for her, the likes on her wall posts, their name calling, frequently communicating, and the like. I wish he knew how I struggle to fit in; feeling like I am but an option to his countless choices. Why can’t he just appreciate me? Why? Yet “nothing” was all that I could say. The worst part is, I knew somehow that I would reach this point; I was just not ready for that blow.

I cried.

He begged that I tell him what happened so that we could fix things up. I didn’t know what to do; I didn’t know what’s WRONG; with me. I cried. I wanted to get drunk right there and then but the bottle of vodka seemed to be on his side. I cried my heart out and I begged for him to tell me what he sees in “them” and cannot seem to find in “me”. He said he was sorry and asked me a question:

“Now that you know what I can do to you… now that you know who or what I really am…do you love me still?”

Tears kept on filling my eyes as I feel pain clutching my chest as though It wants me dead.

“I love you.”

Those words came out almost instantly. I didn’t know what else to say but the truth.

I love him. Despite the flaws and the competitions going on, I loved him. I cannot see myself not loving him. I apologized for feeling hurt because I know I am in no position to feel that way; I do not own him. He was never mine. I apologized for reading the messages because I invaded his privacy.

He promised that he will stop communicating with her and everyone else. I do not believe him but I appreciated the thought. I will only believe in his words if he’d gave me his all—his love. Til that day comes, I choose to love him unconditionally; not knowing how… or why… or until when. But I will love him because I love. Only him.

I know this seem to be foolish. But only those who truly love could understand. 

betrayal

I am a mess. My heart is a traitor.

Have you ever felt betrayed by your own self? I tell you, it’s not a good feeling. All I wanted was to love and be loved. I am not that hard to please. I blame myself for the pain I am feeling right now.

1.)    I knew you were owned by her yet I played your game. It was never my intention to ruin a relationship; neither do I intend to fall deeply. Then again, I let my guard down and here I am now…acting desperately...shit.

2.)    I was completely aware that every moment, spent with you, is equivalent to an excruciating pain if ever you leave. I know that I could not handle such torment yet I went on.

3.)    I promised myself that I won’t end up being treated like a fool; not by you. I don’t want to be in her shoes. But I stayed; stepped in voluntarily into your trap.

4.)    I believed you; every word you said… every story told by you.

5.)    I allowed myself to be just an option… I knew they exist but I was okay with it.

6.)    You penetrated my system; you made me cry.

7.)    I gave you the permission to lie; because I believed that what you say is true…

8.)    I made you stay; I didn’t want to let go.

9.)    I am staying; I just can’t let go.

10.)  I still love you; I guess I never stopped doing so.

These are all but random thoughts in my mind. I knew it would end up this way… I was betrayed by my own self. I betrayed ME. I really am not asking much from you. It’s just that, I am afraid to go through this alone. Though your words say “I am here”… it’s just not enough… I can’t feel you. But I can feel this anguish…inside…it’s killing me… 

JERK

Hey! She left you...so what? I am still here. You felt pain? Why? that's just your ego speaking. Oh, is this love you're talking about? Love comes in all sort of shits. Consider yourself lucky; I've been through worst.

I am still here though you push me away; you won't allow me to get near you, you won't take my calls, and not a reply to my messages. You scare me. You hurt me. But I am punishing myself for loving you. Serves me right huh? Nothing compares to this pain I am feeling. Oh, you feel guilty? coz you caused her nothing but pain? Good. But hey, she caused you pain as well...SHE LEFT YOU!!! she can hurt you... I won't hurt you... i won't leave you...why can't you feel that?

I am making a fool out of myself coz i fuckin' love you!

SHE LEFT YOU! I AM HERE!!! I AM HERE!!! ARE YOU BLIND!!!???

I loved you before she did... before they all did... Have you forgotten? :'(

I am here... I have always been here...

I don't know what to do to keep myself sane... I fear losing you yet I don't want to put you in chains...

I want to leave but I just can't... I just can't...coz I love you...

draft

i cause him nothing but headache.

i feel so selfish for wanting to stay even if he begged for time...and space...

i just can't grant him that request because i fear that he'll use that time to replace me...though i trust his love... i just couldn't take the risk...

POKER

Have you ever truly loved someone; the kind of love that you sacrificed a lot just so you can keep the relationship steady? She did.

She was a player; a heartbreaker to be exact. She can make a man lose his sanity in a couple of weeks or days. She drives men crazy and pushed them to their limits; to a point where they explode and lose themselves. What they don’t know is that she has a very sensitive button that could cause her to self-destruct—her heart.

She met her rival. She fell in love.

It happened for over a week’s time. They played a game of poker and the game was thrilling. She knew that it’s a risky game to play; but he gambled and laid down his cards—all in. She was caught in surprise. She had her mind on the game but her thoughts were focused on him—his poker face. She can’t read it. She was arguing whether or not he’s bluffing or telling the truth. Her friends told her to call a “FOLD” but she was hesitant that she kept silent. She tried with all her tricks to read the enemy’s face but all she can see is his assertiveness asking her to believe in him—that she need not fight. Surely, she knew she must not believe in him. She had won a lot of poker games before. Time went by so fast and the people were asking her to make up her mind. “He looks believable… He’s so pretty… Is he telling the truth… what if I lose… should I fold?” she thought to herself.  She looked at him and he gave a simple smile. “Trust me”, he said. “Fold”, she called. Indeed, her cards were no match with his. He came to her and told her “now that I won against you, can I now fight for your heart?”

“Game over” she smiled and told him; victory was his.

time machine

It’s been quite a while now since I blogged. I was busy—I still am. Well, these thoughts came to me while I was riding a jeepney on my way home. I felt stressed. Work was busy today—it’s Monday. Then I thought about the Sunday that had passed. I was with him. It was one of the best days I have had with him. It felt as if he was all mine. I wished. I was thinking about him every time I feel like my temper’s rising. I just try to keep his picture in my mind—that smile. I would receive updates via SMS from him frequently; it made me happy…especially when I thought we would go eat lunch together. Sadly, he couldn’t make it. I will have breakfast with him tomorrow though.

Remember him? My inspiration.

I wish to be his…soon. I longed for his attention ever since I first saw him.

I prayed for an inspiration and he was the answer. I wanted to find happiness and contentment and I was blessed by his company. He is not a saint—trust me. He has his weaknesses but I see his strengths. He is but a kid. What pains me is that I fear I might lose him soon—my inspiration. He has no clue how my heart beats gladly every time he held my hands; he has no clue what my feelings cry out…”Please, be mine.” 

I trust the words he said… that I hold his heart. I wish he could show me in deed—I wish he could leave them for me. But I shall wait, for I do not want to lose my inspiration…not again. He inspires me. Because I wish a lot; I dream a lot. Dreams matter to me because I plan to make them come true. He makes my dreams come true. But dreams come in package deals, sometimes, you end up having nightmares. I remember having some; I give him a beep “I had a bad dream… I don’t ever want to lose you…”

They say dreams interpret your thoughts; maybe I really do fear losing him.

I shall keep my inspiration; he keeps me going.

I will try to keep up with this. I’m sure we have “something” going on; but I want clarity. I am sorry; I do not mean to rush. I just want clarity. I fear losing him and he knows about it; my weakness. I hope and I pray that he won’t use it against me. I don’t want to get hurt not because I fear pain but because I want to keep that fire in me. When I had him, I kicked myself back to love. I want to stay in love.

Now I know this may be risky, but an inspired heart knows nothing but success.

What I’m trying to say is that, when he came in my life, I felt challenged. And he ignited that spur inside my head and my mind. I felt alive once again and he makes me smile. Maybe coz he’s my long-time crush; I really don’t know. But who cares? Right? Right.

Don't let the imaginary person in your head keep you from loving the real one right in front of you. I wish to be the one—I could be the one if he'd let me.

Pardon me for these random thoughts…he's all that I think about.

To you:

Thank you for inspiring me. Thank you for knowing me. Thank you for making me feel this way. I will forgive you if ever you’d bring me pain. You inspire me—keep it that way. Just take good care of my trust. Take good care of me. You mean so much to me—A LOT to me. I hope you always find a reason to smile.

Jealousy

It can kill.

They say LOVE is never jealous; nor selfish. That's why it is so hard to love.

How can one not be jealous if the person s/he loves is owned by another? Who would consider his/her feelings? Who's being selfish? 

Love is but a stressful emotion. You love to feel happy yet you end up in pain. You love to be taken seriously yet it turns out to be a game. How can you love when all you do is batter each other's heart with lies and broken promises? You set high hopes and fall deeply only to find out that you are about to hit the ground; seeing that nobody is down there to catch you. But there's nothing you can do but to take the fall. 

I fell for love many times now; sad to say I am still counting. I feel so stupid loving someone who is tied in a relationship. Enjoying each other's company and having blissful moments are memories to keep. My heart was completely set that this romance will not last; knowing his heart is with someone else. Unfortunately, it turns out that I cannot help but fall for him. I loved him ever since teenage years. 

How can love be so cruel? Why can't we be with the one we love? Why does it have to be so complicated? 

I am now doubting my ability to love; am I able to love genuinely?

Am I worthy to be loved?

1711

1711

I stayed in this room since June 8. I am here for a seminar/training til June 25. 

My room mate is Michelle Veloso; I call her Maike. She's from Cagayan de Oro. She's cute and bubbly. She has this sweet tone of voice. She is fun to be with and I enjoy her company. She's my teacher; she sets curfew when it comes to TV time. You see, everyday, we have an exam and she reminds me to study every night. I learn from her; Maike would discuss the module and I listen to her. I could not imagine my scores if ever I did not have her as my room buddy. We get good scores but still, we aim for higher ranks. We laugh about random stuffs. She's a camera shy person but I always insist. :)  She is my alarm clock and my check-list. 

That's Maike covered in her blanket. :)

On weekends or free-time, we go to Market Market to look for affordable clothes. One thing I like about her is her simplicity. Rarely would I hear her complain--unless we are already hungry. :)   I will surely miss her when our training ends. I am glad that I share the room with her. :)

We bought the same black shorts; sort of a remembrance... :)

Well, if ever she gets to read this, I'd really like to say "Maike, thank you for being sweet and nice. Thanks for the company and I hope you will never forget the fun times... :) thanks for helping me cross the streets... and lots more... I am glad that I met you... :) Thanks mucho!" 

We  only have a week now; and I feel kind of a dramatic... haha.. 

fin

Makati City

MAKATI CITY-- a busy place. Lights everywhere. It is as if people never sleep in this city.

At St. Giles Hotel, roof deck, we took some random shots of the city lights. 

Sea of Lights

See how busy they are. This was taken at around 2am; still there's medium traffic.

The night lights amuse me.

LEGO. The buildings looked like Lego from here. 

I am here for a seminar. The hotel has 35 floors. The city is busy and I feel stressed out. It's good to be here but I cannot imagine myself wanting to live here. Traffic is heavy, polluted streets, busy people, stressful lifestyle. But seeing such scenery; even watching streetlights bring out the art in this city. I loved it. 

Summer Sarap

Summer ends with a splash… With my officemates, we spent our summer outing at 

Zamboanga Ecozone Mar Y Monte Nature and Water Park… 

The day was freakin’ hot yet the sun can’t stop us from having fun… :) here’s a little something I made…

Sadly, some could not join the FUN due to work and commitments. 

EastWest Bank Zamboanga Summer Outing 2011

Unfathomable.

I found myself wandering inside my thoughts. I could not find a place to stay-put. I kept walking; trying to find light--an escape. I am drowned by stress and I cannot find him. He's lost and so am I. If only I know how to find him, maybe I could find my way out. I am disturbed; thunderclaps came rolling and it haunts me. I ran into random directions and I stumble--I fell. I cried; "Where are you?" He said he won't leave me. I heard it--it's coming. I crept sideways trying to hold on to something--it's coming. Tears fell like rain as I watched the water approach me like a beast chasing its prey. I closed my eyes and I felt cold. I could not remember how I got here; all I know is I was looking for him. Dry land; I'm soaking wet on dry land. I shiver and I am alone. I can feel my heart breaking. Then I searched for him; I longed for him. I am good as blind; darkness took away my sight. I am weak. "Where are you?"

I felt my knees on the ground. I cannot go any further now. I am tired. He's gone. He left me. "Please let me go" I screamed; silence and emptiness--they kill me. I am good as dead; if only I could hear your voice--but I can't. I begged for light--I passed out.

I am trapped in my thoughts...only you can release me...please set me free.

moments

May 8—we were about to watch my sister and her band perform. It was Sunday. She wanted mom to see her perform on their so-called gigs. She introduced him to me. He looked familiar. I wanted to start a conversation with him; that way, I just might confirm if it was the “him” I knew. He looked very familiar. He was quiet and a bit snobbish; mysterious in his own way, and he was not quite of a gentleman (he did not offer me a seat). I was observing him at a close range. I had an opportunity to laugh with him when I teased him as he stares over some lady whom he refer to be “daring”. It was quite a laugh. Luckily, I did not know how it started, we found ourselves conversing. I asked him questions and he answered eagerly. He told me his name and I knew it was him. I just did not have the heart to ask. I was amazed because the conversation went smoothly and the topics were interesting. It was quite a long night, and we continued chatting on the way home.

Days passed and thanks to facebook, we interacted again. It was a “serious” chat and we exchanged numbers. I don’t remember exchanging messages though but we communicated.

On a weekend, we went to see a movie—THOR. The script was great and we had a good laugh. I feel happy whenever he’s around. We had dinner and it was quite a night. He’s a busy person. His schedule is filled with trips. I wanted to spend time with him again and he felt the same.

On a Friday night, he took me out for a dinner and we talked about random things. I don’t know how or why but when I am with him, I am happy and stress leaves my system. He told me his plans--he wanted to be free from commitments. I smiled because I had the same principle. It's not like we don't want to have partners, it's more like we don't want to feel leashed by rules. He went on talking bout his dreams and I am hypnotized by his very presence. Just being with him made me feel safe and comforted.

Here's a confession:

He's my high school crush. He had his unique style back then and it interest me. He played the guitars so well and he looked smart. See, for him, I was a stranger. I am but a kid. I watch him pass by the hallways and laugh with his friends. I see him flirt with ladies and make a dork out of himself. I did not stalk on him, I just happen to be where he is.

I never imagined meeting him in person...I mean, getting to be with him. He loves pretty ladies and I know I cannot make it in the cut. Someday, I fear, I might be a stranger for him once again. That's why I cherish every moment we spend together. If he leaves, I have memories to keep and moments to cherish...

I wanted to tell him really...but I guess I should keep it to myself. He's in a relationship and he's happy--I guess.

Maybe I should be thankful that I get to spend some time with him though it's a struggle... I like him a lot. Being with him takes me back to HS days. That smile... addictive. Those lips... I am missing him...badly.

I don't wan't to get hurt...not again. I wish I could stop my emotions but I can't. They draw me closer to him.



**random thoughts fill my mind... I go crazy... I am fine...sorry***

distance

Mom spent her one month vacation leave with us—April 30. We were so excited to be with her again; especially me. I had a major argument with her and it caused scars in our hearts. At the airport, we waited for her to exit the gate. And there she was in her pink leggings and a checkered polo, along with her luggage, flashing us her smile—Mama’s home. We couldn’t stop talking eagerly wanting to tell her our stories. Altogether with my siblings, we competed for attention and Mama knew just how to divide hers. J We took a ride and went over my Mae’s house (a friend of my sister’s); why? Oh because…  Anyway, we searched for a place where she could stay and found a little room near town. I had work then, so she spends a lot of time with my siblings and I make the most out of what I can at night. I miss her.

She kept on asking for plans… I cannot give my full-attention to it because of work. I only get to be with her on weekends. Our first trip was an island trip—Sta. Cruz Island. It took us a 15min boat ride to get there. The waves were huge and the boat was small. J Mama was never a fanatic for beaches but Sta. Cruz, as she told, was an exception. She enjoyed much collecting pink sands and swimming in the clear water. It was fun.

***words aren’t coming as I stare on the screen… memories fill my thoughts***

I wish I could be with my mom all the time. I wish she’d stay permanently with us. I wish she doesn’t have to leave. Though I can easily open up with my dad, a mother’s advice is incomparable.

I remember spending an afternoon with my mom on the beach park. We went there to release negative auras. Earlier that day, we had our stress level at its maximum level due to some ignorant fool’s complaint. It was such a waste of time. Anyway, we took pictures wacky pictures and fooled around the golf course area. We waited for the sunset and talked about childhood memories. We laughed a lot. That night, we went to watch my sister and her band mates audition for a gig on some bar.

We also had family dinner on random nights. We were never complete and it made my mom sad. We spent random nights on singing and bowling. Weekend afternoons were for shopping and lunch-outs. I spent my weekdays at work. At times, I request that mom would pick me up in the office just as she did during my schooldays. I also asked that we take lunch together.  That way, I get to be with her even for a few minutes. 

They were stolen chances.

Few days before she leaves, we went to a resort. My heart aches as I think about time. Days are counted. I tried to be strong for my siblings; I wish they will not cry. I talk and smile a lot to hide my emotions and took pictures of us together. I wanted to beg her to stay but I know she will still choose to leave. It was agonizing—holding back the tears. I joke around asking for a boyfriend to arrive just so I can find comfort… hahaha… Mama would always remind us that it won’t take long for us to meet again.

As she leaves the next day, I kept my siblings tight telling them not to cry so that my mom would have a safe trip. We gave mama tight hugs and kissed her a lot—that was all we could give for her to take as memories. I can see that my little brother wants to cry but I told him to be strong. He was strong. Of course, I had to let it out at some point. I cannot find comfort elsewhere so I curled up in bed that night, prayed, and cried. I woke up with eyes tired from crying; went to work as my heart continued weeping.

I miss my mom a lot and I love her. I wish we can be together. I want her with us. L

The Desk

This is a part of my desk; I cannot take a full shot on my area because of Company Policy. That's my monitor. On it's right side, you will see the tape, scissors, stamps, ink pad and printer (the others were not included in the picture). On the other side is where the receipts, coin holder, baskets, and others are placed. That's my calculator right on the front. Luckily, when I took ownership of this desk, they allowed me to keep the Sto. Nino figurine; it gives me hope that the day would go well. Posted at the back of my monitor is a picture of my Savior-Christ. It helps me stay reminded that everything I do is for His glory.

These are my desk buddies; I use them a lot. 

Whenever I'm bored, I play with the used staples and form letters. Some time after noon, I formed an L-O-V-E. The light reflected on the letter-O and it looked cool; I added a neon-effect to it. I do crazy stuffs when there are no clients around. Crazy meaning I try to shoo boredom. I scribble, staple, etc. That's my pen, one of the clients liked my pen. She said, "That's a nice pen... I really like it (smiling)". In reply, "Thank you (this-is-mine-smile)"  My thoughts go random and I'm sorry.

Well, workdays occupy my week. I am always tired but I don't feel bad about it. I love my job. Really. Though my job keeps me away from social networks, I try my best to release my thought every once in a while. You see, when my thoughts are full, people will never like how I'd behave. I'd feel restless. That's why I blog.

By the way, a bit about me, i really am a loner. I earned friends but not much; I really have a problem losing them...especially their time. I know they are busy...I just don't want to be alone. But I guess that's just who I am... a loner... and i don't give a .... oops! time to sleep. 

Til next time.

I remember...

This is the song that inspired me to play the guitar.

I was in High School then, I bought M2M's tape Shades of Purple. I played it over and over again using our Hello Kitty Radio. I loved this band and so I told myself that I want to learn how play the guitar. And so, during my senior year, after my tragic accident, I took hold of a guitar and the chord sheet. I figured how to read it and started playing the strings. I had nothing to do but to sit and stay sick. I could not move; my leg is injured. I played and I know I played well. I was able to play this song.

I really loved playing the guitar, however, my priorities are more important than hobbies. I am a geek way back then. I was about to enter College. The spirit of becoming a good guitarist faded away. There are things i'm proud of though; I taught a few of my Co-Vols how to play the guitar. I am a good teacher! Yes! They turned out to be good at it. Then they taught the others and so on and so forth.

Now, as I was browsing over YouTube,  I happen to type the characters M2M. It brought me back to that artistic side of me. I have been wanting to own a guitar... I hope somebody would hand me one as a present. 

The Rush

Yesterday, while we were waiting for the Mass to start, I asked my father “Da, pag ikakasal ako, gagastos ka ba ng bonggang-bongga?” (Dad, if i get married, wil you spend for it extravagantly?)  He told me that it depends as to whom I’ll get married to. He asked if it’s the soldier boy I’m talking about and i gave a huge sigh. I told him, I don’t want to get married with a soldier; he’d only end up hurting me. I told my dad that I want to get married someday but I feel like the right man is lost somewhere out there. He told me to be patient. I told him I’m not getting any younger and he gave me these words—- DON’T RUSH.

He told me a story about his friend who prayed for a good partner:

“Lord, I pray that you bless me with a loving partner… Let him be in an all-white wardrobe… I will wait no matter what as long as i know that you chose him for me…”  months passed and some years have gone by, and at last, someone came knocking on her door. As she opened it, she found a man standing in front of her dressed in white. She slammed the door closed and recalled her prayer. She was surprised! She opened the door once again and helped the visitor in. Later on, they got married.

My dad asked me to pray for real hard and reminded me this thought “If you ask God to LOOK for a partner; don’t go searching anymore.”  I gave it a thinking and I found myself smiling. Funny how I God answered my prayers and I still go on finding loopholes. It’s as if I tell Him that His will be done “UNDER MY CONDITIONS”… Yeah, I know it’s stupid.

Anyway, I told my dad I still want to get married someday. I asked him to pray for me. And I said to him; that if I get to like someone someday (again), I’d like for him to know that person as well. AND REMIND them not to break my heart anymore because I’ve had enough already. He looked at me and said in reply, “Just pray for it. Don’t Rush.”

Fin

been so long

It's been quite a while since i last blogged. I usually tell my blog buddy that I don't have something to blog about. I held on to that thought so as to have reasons for not blogging; but honestly, I was just trying to hide my emotions.

Yesterday changed it all; I had to go on blogging.

I went to see him; hoping I could see him and get some answers--why did you leave me just like that?

It was 7pm when I reached the camp; I received a text message telling me that he's no longer there. I was told that he had gone back and that he looked very sickly and his weight had gone down. I was walking my way towards the hospital though I knew that he's no longer there. I just had to go and seek for him. It was dark and the journey seemed unending. it took me almost an hour to reach the place; I asked for him and was instructed to try my luck on the other Wards. Sadly, the nurse told me that no record was found for such name.

My emotions got mixed up perfectly and I found myself walking towards the place where he first asked for my sweet "Yes." I saw a figure; I wished it was him. I remembered the night Jan 4; it was at that place... My heart burst out in tears; I couldn't explain what I really feel inside and so I wept. It was painful; agonizing if I may say so. I thought of him; his face, his smile, how he begged for me that night., how he held me tight, doing all those silly stuffs for my sake, stolen moments; laughters, promises... It brought me grief.

All I ever wanted was to see him and talk to him. Is he that selfish that he needed to deprive me of his presence?

I cried as I walked my way out of the camp. Then, I passed by a familiar place. There were men talking in a cottage, I approached and asked for him. They asked for my name and my relation with him; I told them I have a favor to ask from him. I gave them his name and his company; they pointed me to another direction. I was trembling; not knowing what to do...There was this man who looked like a senior officer, and I interrupted his phone call conversation. Upon hearing his name, he told me that  the man I'm looking returned to his company already. I gave out a fake smile and said "ok. thank you."

I felt my heart shatter into pieces. I was told that he was actually here over the weekend and the next day, he was brought back to their battalion. I remembered well, he called me up; it was  on a Saturday. He told me a lie.

As I find myself walking towards the gate, I feel even more depressed; I will never have another chance to see him again. Never again. And so I wept. I cried. I cried.

I am badly broken. I can't seem to forget.

Dulian Falls

March 12- It was my first week with my new family at work. We decided to go on a nature trip for the weekend. We went to Dulian Falls.

It took us about an hour trip from the City proper to reach Brgy. Dulian. It’s located after Brgy. Bungiao; East Coast of Zamboanga City. From the Elementary School, we had a 15-30min hike to reach this beautiful place… there are two waterfalls in the area. We had to climb a bit more to reach the second falls. It was a very steep and dangerous path. We had to hold on to some bamboo-made “railings” that were placed to secure the hikers from danger.

The first water-pool was a bit shallow but it gets deeper as you go near the falls. The second water-pool was very deep that you can no longer step on to something. It’s taller and the flow was heavier. I enjoyed on the second water-pool because it is “cooler” and I loved the rock formation that made it easy for us to climb where the water was flowing. 

It was fun and it sure made the “warm” trip way too “COOL”!

Visit Dulian Falls when you reach Zamboanga City. 

Dive in!

BOOKworm

I just love the smell of a new book. It awakens my soul and I cannot refrain from turning the pages. And when I’m done with it, I just want to cover my face (like that in the picture) and smell the book’s scent while recalling the story. 

That book is a novel in cartoons.

Heart's Day

I got these as my heart day’s present from a friend (cap not included). I love to read books. He got me this particular book because he knows I’d appreciate it. This book:”Diary of a Wimpy Kid” turned out to be a Best Seller and was later produced into film. I finished reading the book in one-sitting. I have seen the movie already via HBO (I guess). It’s more of a “For Kids” film; and I am one by heart. I am happy I got to own a best seller book. I hope there’d be more books to come.

He also gave me sunglasses. Well, I always complain of not owning one because I gave mine to his sister when they left. So, he’s now giving me sunglasses so that I can be happy under the heat of the sun. I think his brother told him to buy me one since we drive around town on sunny afternoons and I kept on telling him “I need new sunglasses”.

The stuffed toy? well, I guess he gave me one because I like Kawaii stuffs. I named it Bish2x because it’s “bishy”—I dunno, the name just popped into my mind.

The cap is a token (remembrance) from a dear friend of mine. 

SELOSA

My mom would utter this word every  time I give out a “NAAAAH!”. Whenever my parents buy stuffs for my siblings and I don’t get anything, I would give out a frown and my brows would meet. Then Mama would say “Selosa.” and my Dada would say “Next time nalang sayo,ate.” Of course, they won’t expect me to be cooperative or participative in household chores. :) haha.

There you go.

SORBETES AND OBOY

It’s almost Summer and the heat is on. Hello, Sorbetes.

Sorbetes is a Philippine version of ice cream, made from coconut milk, usually peddled from street carts. It is served with small wafer or sugar cones and sometimes on plastic cups. Sorbetes is peddled by sorbeteros using colorfully painted wooden carts which can accommodate three flavors, each in a large metal canister. Peddlers ring a handheld bell to attract consumers--particularly, KIDS. 

The wooden cart has two large wooden wheels at the front part to give Peddlers an easy push. The cart is stuffed with shaved ice sprinkled with salt to produce a lower temperature around the metal canisters and keep the sorbetes frozen longer.

Back then, I remembered my Mama’s words: “DIRTY YAN! (That’s dirty)” Well, I’m just a kid! Sorbetes are also called dirty ice cream. It has a unique taste that kept me craving for more rather than the present commercial ice creams. I would take my siesta just so I can be rewarded a cone of sorbetes. Sometimes, I would go on and order one big cone of sorbetes from Manong and lick it so that it’s good as sold. Then, I would go to my Mama or Dada and show them that I already ate the ice cream; of course, they would now be obliged to pay. They will scold me for my action but I would just smile at them and let them see that I’m happy with my sorbetes. Those were my childhood days.

The kid in me never died. One hot afternoon, as I was out with my boyfriend(now my ex), I remember asking him to stop by a Sorbetero so that I can eat my beloved ice cream. He was amused by my childish side and could not believe that I still eat sorbetes. I told him it’s my favorite and so he bought me three servings (five pesos for each big cone). I was contented and the heat of the sun can’t stop me from smiling.

 And then, there’s the famous OBOY. It’s an ice cream on a popsicle. Peddlers carry a big ice chest and a handheld bell. Inside the chest are the OBOYS wrapped in newspapers and a Good morning Towel. The ice drops are kept cold. There are various flavors to choose. Here are some that I remember: Durian, Chocolate, Mango, Nangka, Monggo, Buko, Vanilla, Ube, Cheese, and Strawberry. 

Nowadays, I can’t seem to find a store or a peddler selling OBOY.

Before, when we reside in Putik, the Sorbetes Peddlers never visit our subdivision. Maybe because the place is far and it’s difficult to reach by foot. That’s why, Sari-Sari stores sell OBOYs. I am not a fanatic of OBOYs but they sure can make Summer Heat enjoyable. 

Sorbetes and Oboys are my Summer Buddies back on the good old days. Of course, the ever so famous ICE CANDIES are unbeatable when it comes to prices. However, it’s that “ice cream” flavor that made Sorbetes and Oboys place on my “I-want-to-eat-this list”. It’s ICE CREAM made cheaper and tastier.

I hope to hear that bell ringing once again. Now that I live in Sta. Maria, I bet it’s quite reachable for Peddlers. If ever I hear that bell again, I will surely get hold of my coin purse and enjoy several cones of Sorbetes. Or Oboys. Whichever.

Dorkie

I write about my friend, Dorkie. He is my senior during high school. My best friend back then had a huge crush on him She would tell me in admiration that Dorkie is a "genius". She refers to him as "handsome and smart"; the finest qualities she looked for in a guy. She was very shy though that she ended up stalking him in the Computer Laboratory. I was her ever supportive best friend.

On a fine day, our Computer Teacher gave us an assignment on Programming. We had to create a game. As far as I can remember, we had to use the "if...then" program language. It was a work to be done in pairs. Of course, Rheena and I were partners. We both hate computers programming. Then again, being part of the top students in class, we have a reputation to take care of. :)

So there we are, looking for a vacant computer when all of a sudden, I spotted a seat. I pointed Rheena towards the direction and she went RED. Dorkie was seating next to it. Rheena showed me a "NO WAY!" expression and I laughed. I never listen to her and we ended up seating next to her ultimate crush. I looked at him and he was creating a tic-tac-toe game. I went "WOW!". He looked at me and I smiled. I said "Hi!" and he gave a smirk and continued on doing his game. Rheena gave me a painful pinch and I continued on distracting Dorkie.

Rheena was already sweating like a pig and told me that she'd kill me. I had a proposal in mind; I told her to ask for help from the Dork. Her eyes were teary now, she's really not okay with my actions.

"Kuya..." I said in my sweetest tone. "Oh?" Dorkie said. "Can we have your program? We don't know how to make a game and we should submit it tomorrow," I asked. He laughed a bit and told us that it was okay. However, he told me that the program is not that "perfect" yet. I said it was fine. And so he gave me the copy to his program. I giggled and was happy. My friend whispered a soft "Thank You" and stayed silent. I asked Dorkie if I could play his game and he allowed me.


This Dorkie of mine is not just an ordinary student. He is under the first section and was a CAT Officer. I look up to his classmates/batchmates because they are very friendly (one quality seniors should possess). They were the best--brains and beauties. I admired them all. I wanted to be just like them and promised myself that I will also become an officer when I reach Senior Year. I did.

10 years passed. I was on my addict mode on Facebook. I went on greeting Dorkie's classmate/ My Grade School Patrol Leader/ My High School Idol; a happy birthday. He greeted her too. It was on her page that I saw Dorkie again. I added him up right away. Little by little, we became chat buddies (self-proclaimed).

       Dorkie turned out to be a good photographer.

He followed his love for computer language and made it his career. He took good photos--GREAT PHOTOS. most of the time, I volunteer to keep him company during his work. He easily share some stories with me, and I really find it comfortable to tell him stories too. He didn't mind my being "talkative" in chats because he is a silent person.

I will never forget out first "activity" together. I insisted and FORCED him to do a photoshoot since he said he needed practice for pre-nupt shooting. I volunteered to produce models--and we did a photoshoot. It was a laugh. The sun was high and Dorkie was stuck with crazy "models". Dorkie and his friends are scheduled for a trip in Dapitan for the official pre-nupt shoot.

Dorkie's friends can't make it. He told me during our chat. I was having a bad week at home so I told him that I can keep him company. I told him I'd bring my sister along and he was fine with it. We went to Dapitan and had fun. We were welcomed by a rainy night followed by a gloomy morning and a sunny afternoon. I met familiar faces. They were medical students from my school. They were friendly Ateneans and it made us feel more relaxed. We visited tourist spots and the ever-so-famous ZipLine.




On our last night, Dorkie's car met an accident. A hit-and-run as they called it. the left rear light was broken. Dorkie was angry but kept his cool. He would utter these words "Sige lang".

Back to Zamboanga, I would often ask Dorkie if he would like to go out and eat. We ate pizza once on a place recommended by Kuya El. The pizza was what we call "maka-umay" (I'm not so sure if I got it right). We also went out for a riverside trip twice and a night-out to kill boredom. Dorkie rendered us a prestigious honor to hear him sing. We were happy laughing and teasing each other.



Now, my Dorkie is no longer here. He's now in Manila as requested by his office. I am happy for him because he gets to socialize now. At least, he can actually be with his workmates. I know he is very excited to venture out again and enjoy real company. I miss my Dorkie that's why I made this blog. I can no longer kidnap him if I get real bored. Oh well, we shall see each other someday. I miss my Dork.




Visit his wonderful site for fascinating photos:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/rchuck/

Perfect Two

Perfect Two by Auburn

I love this song because the melody and lyrics are direct and uniquely created.

I know of couples who made this song their "theme song" because they believe that they complete each other. Apple to a pie. Straw to a berry. Smoke to a high.

A line from the song says "you're the one for me, i'm the one for you, we're the perfect two." I admire those couple who see themselves as perfect. It takes lots of love and trust to see perfection. Imperfectly perfect if I should say. Relationships are the most complicated matters in a person's life. Thanks to social networks, they made it easier to label by providing an "it's complicated" option.

However, complications are created by the self. Emotions and arguments do not complicate things, it is the self.

Say for example, A "perfect" couple is contented with their self. She loves him, He loves her. And they live happily ever after. SElf is satisfied; therefore, no complications.

Here are some "complicated issues" existing...

She loves him, He loves you. Usually this is easily settled by turning the offer down. The "you" in the picture may cause an impediment. You may either take advantage of the love he gives or turn him down and say that you love another. It depends on "you". He may complicate things as well; he can continue loving you and make a fool out of himself or he may snap out of it and welcome a new love. Either way, he needs to satisfy the "self" in him. She may continue chasing him and sacrifice love for pain or take away pain and consider being loved as an option for happiness--then again, she needs to satisfy the "self". This situation may also be used for a "He loves her, She loves You" situation.

She loves him, You love him, He loves both. She and You find contentment in loving Him. The problem occurs if She and You know of each other's existence in His life. They now end up fighting over someone who plays them both. He feels so confused because he thinks he really loves both of them; but the truth is, he only plays a selfish role. He benefits from both parties while the two end up broken hearted. The most awaited part in this scenario is finding out who-lets-go-of-who. I find this situation funny yet it irritates me. She can let go, You can let go, or He can make up his mind and choose. The "self" in them are never contented or at peace. This also goes to a "He loves her, You love her, She loves both" situation.

He loves You, You're not ready. This is a hard situation because he might be left with false hopes. He can wait if you ask him to stay, but he might find another and you might not let him go. Confusing huh? Well this situation is a bummer. He can either love you until he grows tired of doing so or a new love would welcome him. You can either grow a spine and show be happy with him or simply be honest and let him go. And when you do, there's no turning back. You should wish each other happiness, after all, it is you who chose to let go of love. There's no ready, set , and go in loving--it's more of a stop or go. No regrets. Take risks. Same thing for a "She loves you, You're not ready" relationship.

I am excluding scenarios that include an existing "marriage" as a barrier their relationship. Make life easy and respect values and morale. Most of all, respect your All Mighty.

We fall into various relationship conditions; yet the only thing we want to feel is LOVE. We want someone whom we can love and be loved as well. We may fall into risky positions but we do not seem to care because we find love in it.

My advice is, do not waste your time loving someone "complicatedly" when you can be loved by someone unconditionally.

Consider yourself in loving. Be aware if you are in the right track, or not. It's never too late.

I hope we all get to sing Auburn's Song to our lifetime partner in time.

Be happy and contented; do not deprive others of the chance to be happy as well.